How to forgive and forget? You would find some situations in life when forgiving and forgetting become into being crucial issues, but some of us may not understand how to forgive and forget without minimum effect. After being wrong – no matter how big or small the crime – forgiveness may seem like an old, almost mythical idea.
In the face of betrayal by a friend, unfaithfulness in marriage, or the type of trauma you have been experiencing in the past, you may feel unjust that you must work to cope with the unpleasant effects of the event, find forgiveness, and move past it. This article will be sharing tips on how to forgive and forget in life.
Is forgetting a condition of forgiveness?
We’ve all heard the phrase “forgive and forget” growing up. We rapidly realized, however, that saying it is far simpler than doing it. However, whether it is simple or not, the essential question is whether we must forget when we forgive. Is there any connection between the two? Is forgetting required for forgiveness? Is it true that if we don’t forget, we haven’t forgiven? It’s not as straightforward as the definition of forgetfulness — the inability to recollect, remember, or think about anything.
The truth is that it is quite impossible for a human being to physically forget – to erase something from our mind at our leisure. There are a variety of physical, emotional, and mental events that might cause us to forget things, but most of them are not of our choosing. As a result, forgetfulness is not synonymous with forgiveness in a strict sense. To declare we forgive, we don’t have to act as if the incident never happened.
When it comes to forgiveness and forgetting, it’s all about letting go. This entails making a concerted effort to avoid dwelling on the incident. Even if we forgive the event or occurrence, we are entitled to remember it. Yes, memories might arise as a result of actions or things we hear, but the key is to not let them remain and lead to emotional negative. We are exhibiting forgiveness and forgetfulness in this way.
Is it possible to forgive and forget?
Irrespective of whether the incident directly affected you or someone you care about, there is frequently a desire for vengeance. We are hurting, therefore we want the offenders to be just as wounded as we are. Hurt and anger may overwhelm us and take control of our lives, upsetting our relationships and our capacity to perform what were once ordinary tasks.
As a result, our enthusiasm, zest for life, drive to achieve goals, and ability to soothe others are stifled. We must reclaim control of our existence if we are to go forward and live out our genuine purpose and enjoy favor in our lives. We need to reclaim our sense of normalcy and return to a healthy mental and emotional state. As we try to move forward from these events, a crucial part of our self-recovery is based on a few key questions: Do we have the ability to forgive? Do we forget about it?
Forgiveness culture
We are taught to forgive – to turn the other cheek – from a spiritual, religious, and socially moral standpoint. We learn at a young age that if someone causes us pain or injustice, we should not strive to repay them. We should neither seek vengeance nor shun them. Rather, we should forgive them and move on, putting the incident out of our minds and hearts. If we want to punish those who have wronged us, we are considered vigilantes — self-appointed judges and juries for the acts and penalties that are required.
Furthermore, we frequently hear that forgiveness would help us to let go of the sorrow and anguish from a purely psychological and emotional standpoint. The idea is that if we forgive, we will be able to heal (emotionally). As a result, we can prevent a downward psychological cycle that could otherwise result in sadness, bad behavior, and a loss of self-esteem, pride, and dignity.
Having said that, it appears that the best course of action in all cases is to forgive and forget. Allow the past to fade away, and look forward to new adventures and better times. However, as complicated as the human mind, psyche, and emotions are, forgiving and forgetting are not easy for many people.
How to forgive and forget?
However, in the end, forgiving others’ wrongs can have a big impact on your well-being: forgiveness researcher and Dyer Tyler Vanderwell at Harvard TH, an advocate for health, religion, and spirituality. The Chan School of Public Health explains that “our research indicates that over time, the forgiveness of a perpetrator leads to lower levels of frustration and anxiety and a higher level of hope, happiness, the satisfaction of life and self-esteem.”
Sounds great, isn’t it? But perhaps – no, of course, easier said than done. Fortunately, over the years of research, Dr. Vanderwell and others have found precise, proven steps and methods that anyone can use to forgive and forget. Dr. Frederick Luskin, director of the Stanford Forgiveness Project and the good author of Forgiveness: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness and Forgiveness for a Love: The Missing Ingredient for a Healthy and Happy Relationship, points to three key vacations from his decade.
Study: First, forgiveness is a learning skill, no matter what the crime, secondly, being forgiving is good for your physical and mental health, and third, it is not an immediate response. “There is a mechanism for solving your grief,” he explained. Here, these two experts in this field explain some of the methods that have helped people to get forgiveness for everything from the deception of a child to death.
1. Forgiving someone is not a sign of weakness
“Sometimes there is a misconception that forgiveness is given, or it allows you to trample all people,” says Dr. Vanderwell. “The research that we have done shows that this is not the case and that it is an incredibly powerful and self-healing response to a crime.” Forgiveness shows a low level of anxiety and a high level of hope, happiness, life satisfaction, and self-esteem to know how to forgive and forget.
He explains that his researchers have defined forgiveness, at the most basic level, because the replacement of illness replaces the wishes of the person, so that “the Victim is no longer held captive to the perpetrator or the feeling of bitterness and anger.”
As a result, his research indicates that forgiving someone who hurt you leads to lower levels of frustration and anxiety and higher levels of hope, happiness, satisfaction in life, and self-esteem. If you want to look for these things for yourself, try to rethink forgiveness, because you can forgive without accepting unacceptable behavior.
2. Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same
In the intricate dance of human emotions, forgiveness, and reconciliation emerge as distinct steps, especially when faced with the complex scenarios of deception and idiocy. Dr. Vanderwell, a seasoned psychologist, emphasizes the pivotal need to discern these two processes when confronted with an offense.
Forgiveness, according to him, constitutes an act of extending goodwill and understanding towards the offender, but it doesn’t automatically translate into a reunion. There exist situations where the reunion might not be conducive, with Dr. Vanderwell underscoring instances such as persistent and unchanging behaviors, such as domestic violence.
3. Be remorseful and reassured
Betrayal, particularly in the intimate realm of relationships, is a profound wound that requires delicate healing. Dr. Vanderville, a voice of authority in matters of the heart, delves into the intricacies of navigating infidelity. Beyond the act of forgiveness, he underscores the necessity for the transgressor to embody genuine remorse.
This isn’t a mere acknowledgment of the wrongdoing; it is a profound sense of regret that echoes through their actions. Furthermore, reassurance becomes the cornerstone, assuring the wounded party that the painful breach of trust will not repeat itself. Dr. Vanderville eloquently states that in the face of infidelity, a single act of forgiveness is insufficient—it necessitates a dual commitment to remorse and reassurance for true healing and forward momentum.
4. Calm your nervous system
Dr. Luskin, a seasoned expert in the field of emotional healing, offers a comprehensive four-step process aimed at guiding individuals toward the intricate path of forgiveness. In the initial stages of this transformative journey, he underscores the pivotal role of stress management. Luskin delves into the physiological intricacies, shedding light on the surge of adrenaline that accompanies emotional wounds.
He astutely notes that adrenaline, designed to divert attention from problems, exacerbates the turmoil. It’s a cyclical surge—adrenaline spikes, and the mind, clouded by distress, grapples to confront the issue at hand. The very essence of healing, according to Dr. Luskin, lies in mitigating this adrenaline-fueled turbulence.
5. Harnessing the Power of Repetition
Yet, the transformative journey toward forgiveness is not an ephemeral or instantaneous process. Dr. Luskin, the compassionate guide, underscores the significance of repetition in this odyssey of self-discovery. He elucidates that the body, akin to a finely tuned instrument, requires repeated tuning to orchestrate a symphony of tranquility.
It’s a call to action, a beckoning to perform the rhythmic ritual of two deep stomach breaths intertwined with the tapestry of positive musings. Like a melody honed through practice, the body gradually learns to attune itself to this harmonious cadence. The magic number, he proposes, is fifty or more repetitions. A deliberate investment in the self fosters a profound and sustainable shift in the body’s innate ability to restore equilibrium.
6. A Symphony of Self-Calming
As the crescendo of repetitions unfolds, a subtle transformation takes root within the individual. The body, once a cacophony of adrenaline-fueled discord, begins to harmonize with the rhythm of deliberate breaths and uplifting thoughts. This harmonious interplay marks a transition from chaos to order, from turmoil to tranquility.
The symphony of self-calming becomes a testament to the human capacity for resilience and renewal. Dr. Luskin’s four-step process, unveiled against the backdrop of stress management, breath modulation, positive contemplation, and the alchemy of repetition, emerges as a profound orchestration orchestrating the human spirit’s journey toward forgiveness.
7. Take a breath and think
Delving further into the labyrinth of emotional recovery, Dr. Luskin propounds a second step, an intricate dance between the corporeal and cognitive domains. In moments of disturbance, he prescribes a remedy that begins with the simple yet profound act of taking two deep breaths. A strategic intervention to interrupt the domineering grip of stress hormones.
But it doesn’t stop there. The narrative takes a fascinating turn as the practitioner encourages individuals to summon positivity as an antidote to the corrosive recollection of transgressions. The prescription is clear: take two profound inhalations, and in the ensuing mental exhale, weave the tapestry of your thoughts with positive threads. An alchemy of breath and positivity, meticulously designed to metamorphose the body’s visceral response to the haunting echoes of wrongdoing.
8. Awaken your power of gratitude
In Dr. Luskin’s transformative process, the cultivation of gratitude emerges as a potent catalyst for recalibrating our perspective on life. It’s not merely about acknowledging the wrongs but also about consciously redirecting our focus toward the positives that coexist. Delve into the practice of appreciating the subtle nuances of life, such as the gentle caress of pleasant weather or the mesmerizing hues of a breathtaking sunset. By recognizing these seemingly trivial yet profound elements, we initiate a process that not only soothes the nervous system but also lays the groundwork for weaving a different, more optimistic narrative.
9. Remember, you will not get everything
Dr. Luskin’s pragmatic philosophy compels us to confront a hard truth – life doesn’t always unfold according to our desires. His insistence that forgiveness is rooted in acknowledging situations that defy our expectations carries a profound wisdom. This cognitive reframing becomes a bridge to acceptance, a terrain where we grapple with the reality that not everything aligns with our wishes.
Paradoxically, embracing this perspective doesn’t just foster emotional resilience; it extends its influence to the physiological realm, with studies suggesting a positive impact on blood pressure. The path to forgiveness, according to Luskin, is intricately woven with threads of acceptance, creating a tapestry of inner peace.
10. Navigating Life’s Inevitable Imperfections
In the tapestry of life, imperfections are the threads that weave through every experience. Dr. Luskin’s counsel to acknowledge situations that deviate from our ideal scenarios urges us to become adept navigators of life’s intricate imperfections. It’s not a call to resign ourselves to a fate dictated by external circumstances but a gentle nudge towards understanding that resilience lies in our responses.
Each instance where life doesn’t conform to our expectations becomes an opportunity for growth and self-discovery. By embracing imperfections as integral components of the human experience, we embark on a transformative journey that reshapes our relationship with the unpredictable nature of existence.
11. Change how you tell the story in your head
When you take these steps to get into another headspace, it helps you change the story of your mind from the one in which you were victimized to a terrible act, in which you became a hero to forgiveness.
“In the end, forgiveness is a change of story,” says Dr. Luskin. Instead of the “poor me” story, it is to see how I have grown, learned, and dealt with this situation. See how I overcome adversity.
“She explains how this mentality can help someone who is in an unhealthy relationship to have other and healthier relationships in the future. “All of a sudden you were able to say, ‘Even if that person is treating me severely and the relationship is a complete disaster, I am not giving up because I know that I can achieve anything.”
12. Embracing Empowerment: Moving Beyond Victimhood
In the intricate web of human emotions, forgiveness emerges as a formidable force, liberating individuals from the shackles of victimhood. The path to true forgiveness, however, is not about burying memories deep within the recesses of the mind; instead, it involves a profound shift from being perceived as a victim to actively resisting the clutches of suffering. Dr. Vanderwell aptly emphasizes the transformative power of “remembering others” and strategically transitioning towards a mindset that is both resilient and empathetic.
13. The Art of Forgiveness: A Daily Ritual
Forgiveness is not a mere act but a skill that can be honed through daily practice. It transcends the boundaries of personal growth and extends toward forging a more compassionate character. As individuals engage in the practice of forgiving others for minor transgressions, whether it be a trivial incident on the highway or a minor disagreement within the context of relationships, a profound metamorphosis takes place. This metamorphosis is not only a testament to one’s resilience but also a harbinger of goodwill radiating towards others.
14. Breaking the Chains: A Catalyst for Positive Change
Dr. Vanderwell astutely points out that the act of forgiveness is not confined to an individual’s emotional realm; it resonates on a societal level, fostering the creation of positive emotions. By breaking the cycle of revenge, forgiveness becomes a catalyst for a better life and a harmonious society. The ripple effect of forgiveness is undeniable, as it dismantles the foundations of vindictiveness and paves the way for a future rooted in understanding and mutual respect.
15. Try to reach out to forgive the past
Dr. Vanderwell has shown this to reduce frustration and anxiety and increase hope and forgiveness by encouraging people to “forgive, emphasize, altruistic gifts, commit and hold” through this briefing process. Dr. Vanderville’s research team is currently exploring the impact of this intervention model globally in the form of a two-hour workbook.
16. Follow these steps
Call again: Think objectively, not suppress wrongdoing as to know how to forgive and forget.
Impatiens: Try to put yourself in another person’s shoes, and consider whether there was motivation to play without hate. You do not need to reduce your wrongdoing or invalidate your feelings but try to think of ways in which the action may not be personal.
Adverse Gifts: Think of forgiveness as a gift. Most people feel better about themselves when others give, and forgiveness works that way. It can also be helpful to reflect on the time someone else has given you the gift of forgiveness and to think about how it felt.
Commit: Commit to forgiveness You can do this by confronting the offender, telling someone else, or even writing.
Hold: Hold on to the forgiveness, knowing that the emotional side of it can still take time. Motivation – Mind – Success – Thinking – Productivity – Happiness
Remember that forgetting should not be your goal. You’ve probably heard people talk about “forgive and forget” as an idea, but the sensitivity between psychologists and researchers is “it’s a very misleading and untrue attitude,” says Dr. Luskin. “Of course, there are small things that you can forget, such as if someone was just lying to get out of a dinner plan, you can’t forget what is true and important, and neither should you.”
Take away
To choose how to move on, forgiveness and forgetting need some kind of assessment of the event. However, the focus of such evaluation and action should be on relieving the suffering of the victims of evil acts. Rather than being a panacea or act of absolution for the culprit, it should be a way for them to go ahead with their life in a positive way.
It is not necessary to return to the same degree of engagement or interaction with individuals who perpetrated the damaging acts against us or our loved ones to act in a forgiving manner. However, it is necessary for our survival and growth.
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